Bye-bye nerve-racking Christmas

You expect this, but you get:

Twentyforth, weneedthetree, laterisgood, doitnow, tomorrow, idivorceyou, igetthetree, thatsgood, howdoesitlook, yesplease, thenthatone, howmuch, thismuchforatree, letsmakeitfive, fiveandahalf, six, thefirstisgood.

Wegotogranny, idontwant, santacomes, iwantcartoonnetwork, grannytellsatale, iwantcartoonnetwork, stopthisnow, bringtheteddybear, threeisenough, higranny, sayhellonicely, togrannytoo, whydidntyousayhi, itdoesntmattershestinks, getin, getout, grannyshere, iwantcartoonnetwork, santawillbringit.

Bringupthetree, wheresthebottom, youtookit, itwasntme, itwasyou, butitwasyou, itsalwaysthere, butitsnotthere, causeyoutookit, ihatechristmas, idivorceyou, ihavethebottom, youseeyoutookit, itsbroken, gotothestore, halfpastfuckingthree.

Wheresthesaw, attheneighbours, whereisthediscgrinder, attheneighbours, wherestheneighbour, notathome, fuckhismother, hesvisitingher, fuckthetree, weneedthetree, ihatechristmas, icarveitwithaknife, butnotwiththatone, butitssharp, itsabreadknife, welleatrolls, letsglueit, goodlord, hecanwait, itsintheresee, itstilting, andnow, tiltstotheright, andnow, still, andnow, sougly, motherfucker, leavemymotheroutofit, puttheknifedown.

Wheresthedecoration, uppercupboard, nothingsthere, othercupboard, bulbsaregood, boughtthemlastyear, doesntlight, extrapiece, doesntgo, fuckthebulbs, weneedthebulbs, shortcircuiteorwhat, puttheknifedown, candles, thehousewillburndown, wedonthavetoheat, christmasfondant, wehavefivekilograms, fuckneedsthatmuch, thechildneedsit, branchball, sequins, beads, gingerbread cookies, wedonthavethetopornament, puttheangelontop, heslayingthechristmastree.


Packnow, itssomuchwaste, thencook, icooktripe, iwillnevereverdoanythingforyouagain, impackingnow, wheresthecellotape, atthepapers, wheresthepaper, atthedecorations, theresnothingwithchristmas, fuckthat, thereshappybirthday, fuckme, iwriteonitsanta.

Cometoeat, ineedcartoonnetwork, cometoeat, rightaway, cometoeat, rightaway, iwillnevereverdoanythingforyouagain, idon’tlikefish, butitstasty, ineedcartoonnetwork, santaisnotcoming, ilikefish, youputtoomuchsalt, stopitnow.

Puttherecordon, ineedcartoonnetwork, notonchristmaseve, silentnight, manger, shepherds, whatdidyouget, itsnotlego, dontcry, ineedlego, woodencube, ineedle-e-e-ego, yourfatherplayedwithit, ididntaskforthis, youcantsaythat, isaidlego, fuckinexpensive, notinfrontofthechild, dontbitch, thetreefell, fuckinglife, thebulbsareon, shortcircuiteitold, suchanicetie, youdontwearitanyways, itstilllooksnice, thechainisgood, youshouldnthave, moneydoesntmatter, andthelego, yourmotherwillbuy, dontcrybaby, iloveyou, iloveyoutoo.

Tomorrowatyourmother, ihatechristmas.

(Loosely translated from this cult article from 2011.)

It captures the essence of frustration, anger, hurry and money-spending that have become the new Christmas traditions.

A feast, supposedly about the birth of Jesus, the winter-solstice (more-or-less) and about the family and spending time together. And we end up being something like this:


In my opinion traditions, organized religion, TV, social media, ads – are about people (usually) giving up control and passively taking in something that’s more-or-less good for them.
For a great number of people these things from TV to religion are ways to spend time, give meaning and system to their everyday lives.
For another great number of people TV and Christmas and the rest are just different distractions to overcome.

These articles are aimed for people in the second category. Just like most of the people who’ve surrounded my life in the last 15 years.

So, Christmas. Use your days wisely: it can be a good time to travel. It can be a good time to give presents to your loved ones. To have quality family time. To meet friends. To exercise: to do anything that you’d do a week earlier or later. And the same way as you wouldn’t ruin your days with excessive shopping, hurry, eating or cutting a tree on the other 362 days of the year: don’t do it now, either.

So, Happy Christmas to all of you, guys!

own picture (Croatia, 2016. 09.)


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